Arrival: Next Destination.

Feeling Type. Empath. Highly Sensitive Person.

This has been the truest and hardest struggle of my life. A lifelong struggle, hidden behind a plethora of more apparent issues.

Feeling Type. INFJ to be specific. I value the feelings of others in social situations. I will always feel the need to make sure there is no conflict within the group. If everyone could get along with everyone, I would have perfection. Unfortunately that is not reality. As a self-aware, self-confessed rigid asshole, I do not get along with the majority of society. I also have a big bleeding heart and as much as I would love to love you, I still passionately dislike most of you. The duality of man has never been so obvious to me. …”I’m a sinner, I’m a saint…I do not feel ashamed…”

I struggle to not judge myself when presented with this duality. If I am stating my truth, at this moment in time I have an extremely hard time forgiving others for not being honest with their truth. This strongly hinders my ability to get along with and accept people I view as dishonest. If presented with confrontation with said people, 10/10 times I will release a barrage of emotional bombs aimed directly at your soul, leaving that bridge smoldering. Turn that coin around and see my heart lying there in ashes as well. It kills me to be so harsh. I feel my own pain, and the pain I have caused you. This kind of repetitive pain leaves scar tissue layer after layer. Thick skin and heart on my sleeve.

Empath.  Example. At work I sometimes take calls from upset customers. It only takes a voice. The energy of that person inhabits me. I feel their anger, their urgency. I can see myself in their position. This person could be on the verge of cussing me out and my heart is racing and I can feel theirs too. I feel other people's energies and if I let my guard down which happens daily, that energy can stay within me. It can join together with my bad mood, and the guy’s at the corner store who yelled at his son, and the son’s, all those negative energies can be alive at once inside of me.

Highly Sensitive Person. Lights low. Ambient music in the background. Comfortable clothes and hair tie and clean glasses and correct temperature 76 degrees to be precise. That is how I start my day. If the dogs bark too loud, my heart jumps and races and it takes about 10 minutes to regulate. The sound of the phone ringing hurts my joy. (All tones are infuriating.) The news is a gamble. I know I will huff and puff at the injustices and I accept that as normal. For the more extreme and or tragic stories my body physically reacts. Usually heart rate increases which leads to anxiety. If left unchecked, that anxiety will manifest at some undetermined moment in the near future. 

Thankfully, I have learned that I can check my anxiety and the tendency to give into sadness. I can control this. The fact that I am aware of the causes of these crippling emotions now gives me the power to change how I react. I started therapy a little over a year ago because I needed to help myself. These 3 things that make me who I am, also almost killed me. I was so beat down by the overwhelming emotions, feelings, and endless energies. It had knocked me off my bike and I was too damn afraid to get back up. I know so many others are overwhelmed with one or all of these attributes. Identifying these specific characteristics as culprits has helped me see a way out. Without understanding myself in this way, many innocent people took the blame for emotions that I assumed were their fault. More so, I was always a fan of kicking myself when I was down. It’s compulsory when you think something is wrong with the way you are. “Stop being such a baby…You deserve it because blah blah blah…If you weren’t such a bitch…” Well folks, I’m not a baby. I don’t deserve it. I am a bitch, if we are being honest. I’m a highly sensitive person who is empathetic and feels ALL the feels.  I still am trying to find a balance between being honest with myself and who I am, and wanting everything to be copacetic with the people that affects. Perfection is unattainable but in my opinion getting back on the bike is a nice change of scenery.